


Cordelia

by CantSpeakFae



Series: The Scars Souvenir [14]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Episode Revisit + Revision, Exploring the season through Xander/Cordy kissing, F/M, Written from Xander's P.O.V
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-12-07 13:41:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18235661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CantSpeakFae/pseuds/CantSpeakFae
Summary: Play it safe, right, in case hormones work better in close proximity. He should really start paying attention in health class.





	Cordelia

The first time is an accident.   
  
Xander can’t picture a worse scenario than this. And he does have _quite_  the imagination for terrifying situations and a whole plethora of monsters he knows about to choose from, but this? This takes the cake and then barfs the cake back up into his lap, just to add an extra layer of wiggy gross-ness.   
  
He’s stuck. Stuck in a basement, with a weird, pasty-faced man made of _bugs_  coming after him. And, to top it off? He’s stuck with Cordelia.   
  
Cordelia Chase, the Queen of mean, who’s pacing.   
  
“Could you sit down, or change your pattern, or something?” Xander asks, wringing his hands as he watches her. “You’re making me queasy.”  
  
Actually, it’s the bugs that are doing that and the memories of Ms. French, but he’s not interested in having to explain that to Cordelia, who leans against the washer and shoots him a contemptuous look.   
  
“Because you’re just sitting there! You should be thinking up a _plan_.” She snaps at him.   
  
“I HAVE a plan.” He snaps back at her. “We wait. Buffy saves us.”   
  
Cordelia scoffs. “How will she even know where to find us?”   
  
“Cordelia, this is Buffy’s house. Odds are? She’ll find us.”   
  
“Well, what if she doesn't? What am I supposed to do? Just waste away down here with you? Ha, ha, no thank you!”   
  
She starts for the stairs, and Xander jumps up to stop her.   
  
“What are you doin’?”   
  
“Going to see if he’s gone!”   
  
Xander has to resist the urge to roll his eyes. “That’s brilliant! What if he isn’t?”   
  
“Oh, right! You think we should just slack here and hope that somebody else _decides_  to be a hero?” Cordelia asks, leaning back against the washer and crossing her arms. “Sorry, forgot I was stranded with a LOSER!”  
  
“And yet I never forgot that I'm stuck with the numb-brain that let Mr. Mutant in the house in the FIRST PLACE!”   
  
“HE LOOKED NORMAL!”  
  
Xander made an exasperated gesture, looking at Cordelia like she’s the dumbest person on the planet. And, considering that she’s in the same room as _him_ , that’s really saying something.  
  
“What, is he supposed to have an arrow with the word 'assassin' over his head?! All it took was the prospect of a free makeover, and you licked his hand like a big, dumb dog!”   
  
Cordelia flinched and then narrowed her eyes at him before shoving past him and heading for the stairs again. “You know what? I’m going!”  
  
Xander just raises his eyebrows, ready to let her go. She wants to deal with bug-ugly on her own? Fine! He’s sick of saving her, anyway, sick of her talking down to him, and to Willow, and to Buffy when all they do is save the world over and over again. She stops at the foot of the stairs and faces him again.  
  
“I'd rather be worm food than look at  _your_ pathetic face!”   
  
Xander spreads his arms out, his expression challenging. “Then go! I'm not stopping ya!”  
  
“I bet you wouldn't!” She sneered. “I bet you'd let a girl go off to her doom all by herself!”  
  
“Oh, not just any girl.” Xander taunted, with a nod. “You're special.”  
  
“I can't believe that I'm stuck spending what will probably be my last few moments on Earth here WITH YOU!” Cordelia screamed at him.  
  
“I HOPE these are my last few moments! Three more seconds with you and I’m gonna…”   
  
He steps closer, his eyes flashing. Cordelia mirrors him, stepping closer to him too.   
  
“I’m gonna what? Coward!”   
  
“Moron!”   
  
“I HATE you!”  
  
Oh, yeah? Xander gestures wildly again. “I HATE YOU!”   
  
Cordelia stared at him and he stared right back for a second before, suddenly, his arms were moving of their own accord. He grabbed her waist and yanked her against him at the same time that she grabbed his shoulder and pulled him closer, mouths suddenly locked in a mad, passionate kiss. And, for several long seconds, it’s just angry mouths and bodies pressed to each other before, suddenly, they both realized what was happening and let go of each other, pulling apart.   
  
Xander gapes at her. “We SO need to get out of here.”   
  
Cordelia nods. “Mm-hm!”  
  
She rushes up the stairs with Xander right behind. 

  
  
_It doesn’t mean anything. Almost dying just does that to people, sometimes. He’s sure of it._   
  


* * *

  
The second time feels more like a continuation of the first accident than it does a conscious choice.   
  
They’re in the hallway of all places. Cordelia’s headed in his direction and he braces himself for the drive-by insult, maybe about his clothes since he’s at the bottom of the laundry pile, but she doesn’t snark. She only takes one look at him and then immediately turns on her heel and walks the other way. Which is /so/ subtle.  
  
Xander sighs and runs around her, stopping her from getting too far and glancing around.   
  
“We need to talk.”   
  
Cordelia rolls her eyes and crosses her arms as she steps into an empty classroom, without complaint… but Xander still looks back and forth down the hall to make sure no one sees them going in together and follows her. And, even then, he stands a good few feet away from her. Play it safe, right, in case hormones work better in close proximity. He should really start paying attention in health class. He fidgets with his hands and she does the same.  
  
“Okay, uh-uh-uh…” he stammers out. Man, this sounded like a better idea in his head. “Here's the deal. We don't have to run every time we see each other in the hall.”  
  
“Right. Okay.” Cordelia says, with a nod. “Why shouldn't we run?”  
  
“What happened, there's a total explanation for it.”   
  
Cordelia tilts her head, her eyes narrowed. “You're a pervert?”  
  
“Me?!”  
  
“Yeah!”  
  
“No-no-no-no!” Xander says, stepping closer, his nostrils flaring. “I seem to recall that I was the jumpee, my friend!”  
  
“As if!” Cordelia snapped, mirroring his actions and stepping closer, too. “You've probably been planning this for months!”  
  
Xander laughed, mockingly. “Right, I hired a Latvian bug man to kill Buffy so I could kiss you. I hate to burst your bubble, but you don't inspire me to spring for a dinner over at Bucky's Fondue Hut.”  
  
“Fine! Whatever.” Cordelia said. She started for the door, again, but then stepped back and closer than before. “You know, the point is: don’t try it again!”   
  
“I didn't try it!” Xander nearly shouted, but he took a deep breath to calm himself back down. No yelling. Don’t get like that. “Forget about the bugs, okay? The memory of your lips on mine makes my blood run cold.”   
  
Cordelia stepped even closer. “If you dare breath a word of this…”  
  
“Like I want anyone to know!”  
  
“Then it's erased!”  
  
“Never happened!”  
  
“Good!”  
  
“Good!”  
  
“GOOD!”   
  
They stare into each other's eyes for a moment… and then his hands are moving again, at the same time as hers, crushing against each other in a mad, passionate kiss. And this time, they don’t break off. 

  
  
_Still doesn’t mean anything. Maybe adrenaline comes from arguing, too._   
  


* * *

  
The first two times were accidents. He’ll stick to that story forever. But, the third… and then the forth… and the fifth? Well, those were sorta less accidental.   
  
And getting hotter and heavier with every passing day, until he almost couldn’t pass Cordy in the hall without meeting her gaze and making the same, snap decision to find the nearest closest and get their smoochage on. It’s almost nice to kiss a girl who only metaphorically sucks the life out of him instead of literally and since his dating file goes: Ms. French, Ampata, and now Cordy, well he’s really cementing himself as a guy who digs his monsters, isn’t he?   
  
He’s sitting on the bench with Buffy, listening to her complain some about Ted - now that’s a swell guy, with amazing pizza. God, if Joyce doesn’t wanna settle down with him, Xander might put a ring on it just for the cooking - when he sees Cordelia walking past. And he doesn’t really _mean_  to say it, but he’s been so… well, happy since the pizza, that he just blurts out -  
  
“Hey, Cordy! Nice outfit!”   
  
Cordelia comes to a halt, looking at him with derision. “Oh, very funny.”   
  
Xander blinks. That wasn’t supposed to be a joke. “Not really.”  
  
“What are you saying?”  
  
Buffy and Willow look up at Xander. He blinks, baffled.  
  
“...Nice outfit?”  
  
“Well, why don't you just keep your mouth shut!”   
  
She stormed off and Xander glanced back at Buffy and Willow.  
  
“Would you guys excuse me for a sec?” He asked, hopping up without waiting for an answer and following after Cordelia.  
  
He catches up with her in minutes, slowing his pace from a quick stride to a more leisurely step and glances over at her.  
  
“What’s wrong with you?” Cordelia hissed at him, seriously wigging him out. What, is today opposite day?   
  
“I gave you a compliment?”   
  
“In front of your friends! They're gonna know!  
  
Xander blinked. “Know what?”  
  
“Please! It's too traumatic for me to even say it!”  
  
“...That we kissed?” Xander suggested, eyebrows raised.  
  
He really is feeling buzzed, today. Happy all over and relaxed. Not even Cordelia can harsh his mellow, even though part of him is vaguely aware that he should be offended by the way she’s acting like kissing him is on par with having a root canal.   
  
“Uhhh!”  
  
Xander sighed and shook his head. “Look, I'm not gonna tell, they're not gonna know. Not your friends, not my friends. You wanna go to the utility closet and make out?”  
  
“God! Is that all you ever think about?” Cordelia sneered at him, eyes rolling with annoyance, but then she considered the offer. “Okay.” 

  
  
_Cool. Inside of a closet, here he comes._   
  


* * *

  
The kissing keeps happening. At this point, he can’t even really call it “spur of the moment” or “passionate”.   
  
Not because it’s not good, with the groping and the tongue and the scent of Cordy’s perfume… but because they’ve started to strategically plan times to sneak away. Practically have in on the calendar and sometimes Cordelia even hisses at him to remind him that he’s supposed to be in the utility closet with her in twenty like he’s going to _f_ _orget_. Not on the likely, since the whole idea of kissage has him buzzing like a bee with a happy.  
  
And, here they are again, in the dark, his tongue in Cordelia’s mouth, his arms wrapped around her… and then she has to go and start _talking_.  
  
“Xander?” She mumbles against his mouth.  
  
“Shhh-sh-sh.” He urges, kissing her a little harder.  
  
“It's just that,” She continues speaking, between kisses. “I'm worried we're gonna miss class.”  
  
Xander reaches up for the light string and yanks it to turn it on. They step back a bit from each other. Almost on a reflex.  
  
“You know what? This would work a lot better for me if you didn't talk.”  
  
“Well, it'd work a lot better for me with the lights off!”  
  
Cordelia grabs the string and yanks it. She puts her arms around him again and starts to kiss him, but Xander doesn't kiss back. What did she mean, better with the lights off? He reaches up, again and yanks the string. The light comes back on and Cordelia steps back, automatically, like with light comes an invisible force field and HEY!   
  
“Are you saying that you can't look at me when we do... whatever it is we do?” He asks,   
  
“No, it's not that I can't, it's just more... I don't want to.” Cordelia says.   
  
And it’s not like Xander didn’t kind of know that, already. He couldn’t stand to hear her talk, cause it reminded him too much of the many, many, many years she spent snarking insults at him or hurting Willow’s feelings. But, still. His face never hurt her. Except, apparently, to look at which again, is another insult!   
  
“That's great! That's just dandy! We're repulsed by each other, we,” He gestures to the door. “We hide from our friends…”  
  
“Well, I should hope so! Please!” Cordelia said, rolling her eyes.  
  
Xander nods. Yeah. This is what he doesn’t need. “All in all this is not what I'd call a big self-esteem booster.”   
  
“Tell me about it!” Cordelia snapped, looking him over. “Just look at you! And those clothes! Where did you get those shoes?”   
  
Thrift store. But he’s pretty sure admitting that will just rile her up even more and not in the way that he wants to rile her up so he sighs.   
  
“Okay, you know what? I don't need this.” He snaps.  
  
“Ditto! Like a hole in the head!”  
  
They both reach for the doorknob, and their hands meet there, fingers touching. They hesitate a moment and then wrap their arms around each other again and the kissing starts all over. Xander cradles her head with one hand as they start to sink toward to the floor… and he grabs the string and gives it a good yank, putting them back in the dark. 

 

_So, it’s gonna keep happening. And he doesn’t hate that.  
  
_

* * *

  
“Figures you three would all be hanging in the dungeon while something major's going on at Sunnydale High,” Cordelia says, sweeping into the library. Seeing her outside of a closet is getting weird, but he does his best to muster up something snarky to shoot at her, for the sake of the audience they’re playing to.  
  
“And what would that be, Cordelia? Barrette Appreciation Day?”  
  
Not his best, but he doesn’t really… feel like being mean to her, anymore. He frowns and goes back to book shelving.   
  
“Mr. Whitmore didn't show today.” Cordelia pressed, ignoring Xander’s lame insult.  
  
Buffy only shook her head tiredly. “That news is of the past.”  
  
“He's missing?” Cordelia said, everyone, turning to look at Giles. “Presumed dead?”  
  
“Presumed by whom?” Giles asked, confused.  
  
Cordelia crossed her arms over her chest and raised her eyebrows. “Well, me!”   
  
“I think we should give him a few hours before we give up on him completely.”  
  
Heh. Giles’ got jokes. That’s new. Is that new? Maybe he’s always been funny. Why is Xander just noticing that now?   
  
“Well, I think we should look around, don't you Xander?”   
  
Xander looks over at her. He’s kinda obviously in the middle of shelving books, here? He shakes his head. “It can wait.”   
  
Cordelia looked at him like he’s the biggest idiot on the planet. And, honestly, maybe he is. “Well, his body could fall out of a closet somewhere.”  
  
Oh. Oh! Xander blinks in shock. She’s seeking him out , now? In front of his friends? Either she’s really desperate or she’s really sure that his friends aren’t gonna pick up on clues, but he still looks at the others nervously.  
  
“So we should check some closets to see if he's in a closet?” Cordelia presses, impatiently.  
  
Xander gestures at her. “You're right. There could be a closet. Let's go.” 

  
  
_God help him, they might still be doing this by Graduation. And why doesn’t that thought make him ill?_   
  


* * *

  
The kissage. It’s a thing. It’s a good thing - it’s a happy thing. And it’s a happening thing because it keeps… happening. Days turn to weeks, such is the passage of time and Xander starts to realize that… he doesn’t want to keep doing it. Not the kissing, he loves that part. He just doesn’t really want to hide anymore. And when he’s standing with Cordelia, at the lockers, he suddenly realizes that this might be his one chance to address the idea of maybe, not hiding so much.  
  
He clears his throat. “So… Buffy’s party. Mañana.”   
  
“Well, just because she’s Miss Save-The-World and everything, you have to make a big deal? I have to cook! And everything!”  
  
“...You're cooking?”  
  
Cordelia huffed. “Well, I'm chips and dips girl.”  
  
Xander gasped with faux terror. “Horrors! All that opening and stirring.”  
  
“And shopping and carrying.”  
  
“Well, then you should have a person who does such things for you,” Xander says, with a sage nod.  
  
“Well, that's what I've been saying to my father, but does he listen?”  
  
The conversation actually makes him feel kinda hopeful. They haven’t yelled at each other, or insulted each other… maybe there is hope for a future outside of a closet. He just has to get up the nerve to ask. He coughs, again.  
  
“Um, so, uh... You're going, and, and, and I'm going. Should... we maybe... go?” He asks. It sounds lame, even to his own ears.   
  
Cordelia just blinks at him. “Why?”   
  
“I dunno. This... thing with us, despite our better judgment, it keeps happening. Maybe we should just admit that we're dating.”  
  
“Groping in a broom closet isn't dating. You don't call it a date until the guy spends money.”   
  
He might’ve guessed she wasn’t going to make this easy on him, but that wasn’t a no. At least she was letting him argue his case, even if he’s doing it badly.  
  
“Fine. I'll spend, then we'll grope. Whatever. I just think it's some kind of whacked that we feel we have to hide it from all our friends.”   
  
That’s true, for the most part. He wants to tell Buffy. Wants to tell Willow a little less, because he knows how awful Cordy’s been to her for most of their lives - but she’s changed. She’s helping, she contributing, she’s still _snarky_ but that’s just Cordy.  
  
And she really drives that point home when she looks at him with unveiled disgust. “Well, of course,  _you_  wanna tell everybody. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I, on the other hand, have _everything_  to be ashamed of.”   
  
 _Ouch_.   
  
Xander swallows, hard. “You know what? ‘Nuff said. Forget it. It must’ve been my multiple-personality guy talking. I call him Idiot Jed, glutton for punishment.” 

  
  
_He looks at her, exhales sharply, and then stalks off, wondering what the hell is wrong with him that he can’t even get with a girl that he’s already gotten to first base with._   
  


* * *

  
Things between him and Cordy get… strained after that. It’s stupid and pathetic, but he’s somehow found himself wanting a relationship with her, even though she should repulse him on all levels, including physical, just for the extreme bullying and the snotty rich girl attitude. But, she doesn’t. He feels like he’s gotten to know a different part of her. And not just because of the kissing, but because he’s seen her… being helpful. He’s seen her being kind, or at least as kind as she gets. And there’s stuff worth liking, there.   
  
But her dislike of him hasn’t seemed to have lessened and the stress of Buffy being missing and that Judge guy possibly walking around Sunnydale had his insides twisted up. The library feels like a colder place without Buffy sitting with them, noticeably safe and sound, and he slams his book shut.   
  
“Nada.” He says to Willow, jumping off the counter.   
  
He heads to the stacks with it… and runs into Cordelia, who’s still pursuing herself.   
  
“Did you find anything?” He asks, shelving his own book. Probably in the wrong spot.  
  
Cordelia sighed. “This book mentions the Judge, but nothing useful. Big, scary, no weapon forged can stop him, took an army to take him down. Blah, blah, blah.”   
  
“We need some insight, a weak spot,” Xander says, shaking his head.  
  
Cordelia pressed her lips into a thin line. “Well, we're not gonna find it here.”  
  
She shelves the book as Xander walks over to her and turns to face him.  
  
“...Sorry I snapped at you before.” He says, rubbing the back of his neck.  
  
Cordelia rolled her eyes. “Well, I'm reeling from that new experience.”  
  
“I was crazed. I wasn't thinking.”  
  
“I know. You were too busy rushing off to die for your beloved Buffy. You'd never die for me.”  
  
Actually, knowing him and his lack of impulse control, he’d probably throw himself at the first, suspect thing that looked at her, too. He’s the weakest link of the group, but he can’t help it. Being cannon fodder means being shot head first at anything. But still, he goes for the joke.  
  
“No, I might die _from_  you. Does that get me any points?”  
  
Cordelia doesn’t laugh. “No.”  
  
“Come on, can't we just kiss and make up?”  
  
“I don't wanna make up.” She says, and he can take a hint when he hears one, so he starts to go… but she stops him, reaching out to grab his arm. “But I'm okay with the other part.”   
  
She smiles at him and he’s taken with how pretty she is when she does, smiling back like he just can’t help it, and then leans in to kiss her. It doesn’t last long. It can’t, they have things to do, but Cordelia laughs when she pulls away instead of just shoving him off and she’s still smiling. It’s so nice and so good and so… Willow?   
  
She’s standing there, her expression crumbled.   
  
“Willow, uh!”   
  
She turns around and runs and Xander instinctively bolts after her.   
  
“We were just… Willow! Willow!!!”   
  
Willow ducks out the library. She had a head start, but Xander is _faster_  since the hyena thing and comes up right behind her.  
  
“Willow, come on!”  
  
She whirls around, her hair flying into her face, and she shakes her finger at him, rage and pain in her eyes. “I knew it! I knew it! Well, not ‘knew’ it in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn’t know! You two were fighting way too much! It’s not natural!”   
  
Well, gee, tell him how she really feels, why doesn’t she?   
  
“I know it's weird…” Xander says, swallowing hard, but Willow shakes her head.  
  
“Weird? It’s against all laws of God and Man! It’s -” She shakes her head, again, making a disgusted sound in the back of her throat. “It’s Cordelia! Remember? The, the ‘We hate Cordelia’ club, of which you are the treasurer!”   
  
Okay, but that was middle school stuff. And things are different and he wants to understand but he’s not sure how to explain it.   
  
“Look, I was gonna tell you.”   
  
“Gee, what stopped you? Could it be shame?” Willow asked.  
  
Xander sighed and holds his hands up. “All right, let's overreact, shall we?”  
  
“But I'm…”  
  
“Willow, we were just kissing. It doesn't mean that much.” Xander says, even though there’s a stab in his gut when he says it, but he pushes that aside. Cordy doesn’t want a relationship with him, anyway.  
  
“No. It just means that you'd rather be with someone you hate than be with me.”  
  
Willow runs from the hall, leaving Xander just standing there to consider her words. Be with… but she was with Oz! And all happy and stuff! Werewolf Oz, with the band and the hair. Why is she so… when did his life get so…   
  
He reluctantly turns to go back into the library. There’s still work to be done.  
  
 _Cordelia’s disgusted by the thought of dating him, Willow is currently ashamed to be his friend… all he needs to do is piss off Buffy and he’s 3/3._


End file.
